Introverted
by Lyaksandra
Summary: It's easy feeling like you're the only socially awkward person around, specially if there indeed are others like you. Because they are all hiding their feelings just as you do.


**INTROVERTED**

"… I'd be honored to link suits with you, Shepard…"

Ancestors, what had I been thinking! And as if that wasn't enough, after saying it, I just couldn't look Shepard in the eyes and bashfully turned my head away. Then, of course, I blurted out the first bit of nonsense that came into my head, and to top it all off, I did that little _embarrassed girl_ dance. Swayed from side to side, half laughed a poor excuse and then hastily dismissed her just to escape from the whole situation. All of it while I bobbed my head like a complete bosh'tet, and then… What had come into me that I placed a hand on my hips and shifted my weight from one leg to the other, displaying them as if I had been flirting.

I let my head fall against the console I was working on, and then proceeded to hit it repeatedly. Bosh'tet! Bosh'tet! It was a good thing that Ken and Gabby weren't here. The last thing I needed right now was to embarrass myself in front of more people.

What had I been thinking back then? Well, it was obvious I hadn't been actually thinking at all. And if there had been something to blame for that, it was the fever I had, and the nerves, and all the silly things I said that pushed my reason past the edge, and… and… and that was just something I had to tell myself in order to keep a semblance of dignity. That also was what Shepard had to be told, of course. The problem was, that ever since I had thoroughly shamed myself and made of our friendship an absolutely awkward mess, she had been avoiding me. Even today, though we were enjoying some downtime. The Normandy had been docked in Illium in order to install some upgrades to the shielding and main battery.

Everyone had gone to the Eternity, and Shepard thoroughly avoided me the entire night. She certainly hadn't avoided Liara. Or her yeoman, that Kelly woman, who was more than happy to reciprocate Shepard's attentions. What did I care who Shepard was close to, anyway? Yes, I liked her… maybe even more than that, but I couldn't lay any claim over her. So, why was my bosh'tet brain refusing to act logically? Why was I so jealous of them? Unable to rein in my emotions, and not feeling like being around people, I had returned to the Normandy. There was nothing for me at the club, and a Quarian wandering around Illium wasn't the best of ideas. Not like I had had any good ones as of recently, but if there was a world where my people were treated particularly bad, it was Illium. For all I knew, I could end indentured to some corporation for the remainder of my life. In the Normandy however, I could drown my sorrows the best way I knew how. Working.

In the end, not even work was able to completely take my mind off this whole situation with Shepard. Did she realize how isolated she made me feel? We were up to our necks in Cerberus personnel, and sticking together with your friends was practically a necessity. The more my mind visited what had just happened at the Eternity, the more I felt motivated to have a serious face to face talk with Shepard. As I kept working at the core's terminal, a speech began taking shape in my head.

At some point, EDI's voice came over the intercom and broke my trance with its eerily musical tones. "Tali'Zorah, you have been working for quite an extended period of time. You should consider rest, lest you exhaust yourself."

I turned my head and frowned with disbelief at the ceiling, as if the ship's AI was actually present there. A habit I imagined was borne of the necessity to face who you spoke to. With a regular VI, that wouldn't have been an issue, but with EDI, and how _alive_ she seemed to be? That was a whole other story. A shudder ran down my back as the unsolicited image of her turning on all of us crossed my mind. EDI would probably murder the whole crew by opening the airlock mid-transit through a mass relay. After all, the AI had quite a twisted sense of humor.

Being stubborn just for the sake of it, I checked my chrono. Keelah! I had indeed worked myself into the day cycle. "Thanks for letting me know, EDI." I spoke to the ceiling, and immediately rolled my eyes at the action.

"You are welcome, Tali'Zorah. I hope you have a nice rest."

"Wait, EDI." The words were out of my mouth before I could stop them.

"Yes, Tali?"

"Is, um…" I hesitated. I wanted to confront Shepard as soon as possible, but I also still felt very apprehensive about it. Partially dreading what would come of it. What if she reacted in the worst way possible? No, no, that was all in my head. Shepard would never…

"The Commander already returned to her quarters." The AI chimed in, cutting my internal monologue with a tone I could swear it sounded as if she were smiling.

"What? No… I mean… That wasn't what I…" I fumbled with the words until I had the decency to slap my hand against the visor of my helmet and force myself to shut up.

For what seemed like a very long and awkward time, EDI said nothing, and I felt obligated to follow her lead on that. Finally, I let out a tired sigh and thanked her for the information. As I walked out of engineering, I began wondering if the AI somehow knew. After all, the whole ship was bugged and she was pretty much an omniscient presence through it. Perhaps a second swipe in search for spying devices was in order.

By the time the elevator doors opened to Shepard's cabin, I already was furiously wringing my hands in nervous anticipation. I had to make a conscious effort to stop their motions and keep them still at the sides of my body. Then, as I walked out of the elevator, I thought better of it. I would look too stiff in Shepard's eyes this way, and then my lies would be easily exposed, so I shook my arms in a vain attempt at relaxing the offending extremities.

When I moved my hand close to the door panel in order to announce my presence, my hesitation came back with a vengeance. I took a couple of steps back and got ready to turn around and run toward the safe confines of the elevator. Just as I began turning around, though, the door to Shepard's cabin opened out of its own volition. Almost frozen with fear, I turned to look at who was coming out of the room, and saw no one. EDI… The realization hit me, and I shot the ceiling a death glare, for all the good that would do.

Well, if anything, the door opening had scared off my hesitation, so now I once again felt prepared to face Shepard. As prepared as I had always been, anyway.

Doing my best to fake confidence, I crossed the threshold and called to the Commander. "Shepard?"

Some seconds went by, and when I noticed that no reply was forthcoming, I decided to intrude further and inspect the room. Too late did I notice that under the covers of the bed lied the target of my search. Of course, after partying for the whole night, she would be tired. Yet again I turned to the ceiling, directing at it my angriest frown while I realized what a manner of evil bosh'tet EDI was. She was probably chuckling mirthfully down in the AI core right now.

Just when I thought of making a hasty retreat, I noticed the lump on the other side of the bed, and while that body was also covered by the sheets, I could recognize that red hair anywhere. Kelly Chambers! What was she doing in bed with Shepard? Had they? I nearly gasped out loud. No, that wasn't possible. Kelly was with Cerberus, why would Shepard do this? Just as well, why would Shepard not? She was a good judge of character, quick to trust who her instincts told her to. The same way she had trusted a Quarian after meeting her just once, even though my people have a terrible reputation.

I felt the sting of tears in my eyes, and began driving myself into the disconsolate corner of heart broken despair. I had always known I could never be with Shepard, but I had found some solace in the fact that the human hadn't been romantically involved with anyone ever since I met her. Now, though. Now that notion was nothing but dust scattered to the winds. Of course Shepard would prefer someone of her own race, and specially someone she could actually touch, someone who wasn't trapped inside a stupid enviro-suit for life!

Oh, but I would have words with that stupid EDI! Why would she want to show me this? Was her humor so twisted that she wished to actually see me hurt? I sharply turned around and began walking back toward the door.

"Tali." Shepard's voice called behind me. Before I had taken more than a pair of steps, the sound of my name stopped me dead on my tracks and I let out a strangled squeak.

My hands immediately went into full wringing mode, and I hesitated to turn around, to the point that I almost trembled. Such was my fear of her reaction to finding me intruding in her room while she slept, that I just stood there, frozen. Like it would make a difference. If anything, it was going to make things worse, I just looked so guilty standing there like a statue. After a moment, I finally took a deep breath and turned around to face whatever may come. Of course, as it was always my luck, I had completely overreacted. Shepard wasn't standing behind me, ready to throw me into the brig under charges of sexual harassment and stalking. She was still lying in bed, still soundly asleep. Now, that was a surprising discovery. Who would've thought? Commander Shepard was a sleep-talker.

Curiosity now being the predominant feeling guiding my actions, I actually took the time to really look at the woman before me. She looked so small—fragile even—with her body curled as it was under the sheets. Her face was so peaceful and she looked so young. I could even go as far as to say she looked cute. Not to say that Shepard was old and ugly, of course, but her usual demeanor reflected in her face, and it made it look harsher than it actually was. I found myself staring long and hard at this human woman who actually seemed human right now. Just like anyone else, I had blinded myself to see Shepard beyond her _larger than life_ self. Now I could see. Here she was, just another person, looking so vulnerable in her sleep, that for a moment I longed to hold her tightly in my arms and protect her.

I began wondering what reason could this beautiful creature have to call my name. Maybe she wanted just as badly as I did to clear things between us, and here I was resenting her and being a jealous bosh'tet. So entranced was I by her and by my own musings, that I had unconsciously walked up to the bed. Standing so close, I noticed something else—Shepard was still wearing her uniform. Just barely peeking under the sheets, I could see the neck of her officer's jacket. Full of hope, I leaned forward to give Kelly a closer inspection, and to my eternal relief, I found that she too was fully clothed. It took real effort to not let out a sigh of relief right then and there.

My relief was short lived, though. Shepard suddenly shuffled under the covers, scaring me into stiffness once again. Perhaps it would be better if I took my leave instead of taking unnecessary risks by being there, but then she mumbled something, and again I was thoroughly engaged in my curiosity.

"Tali… I like your hips… Hm, so nice…"

Life had just taken a sharp turn right in front of my disbelieving eyes. I suddenly felt as if just for me, the secrets of the universe had been unraveled all at once. Maybe it was folly borne of an emotional onslaught, but right then, I thought I finally understood. For all the ease Shepard displayed when dealing with people on a mission, she was just as socially awkward as I was when facing those she felt close to. I did it because I had lived my entire life isolated from every culture and race other than the Quarian. Shepard did it… well, maybe because she was trying to conceal her more normal side and keep the Commander mask, or maybe she didn't know how to not be _so_ Commander around us.

Now that my vision had been expanded—or so my probably delusional mind told me—I could see all the little cues in Shepard's behavior. How had I missed all the awkward glances and the excessive succinctness of her words when the situations grew too emotional or personal? It all seemed so obvious now. Her wandering eyes when we talked down in engineering, and also the time she took before addressing me, just standing there and probably thinking I didn't notice. I always thought she was evaluating me, but never in a million years would I have thought that Shepard had been evaluating my… hips.

I ran out of the room, practically stumbling on the three steps of the small staircase that led into the office space. Making some noise became a secondary concern when the excitement of stumbling upon this seemingly grand breakthrough threatened to burst out of my throat. As I waited for the elevator, I anxiously bounced on my feet doing a happy, and most likely stupid-looking dance. Bosh'tet thing! It was taking so long! Reflexively, I shot a dirty glance at the ceiling. She knew! Everything! Of course she did, she was everywhere! Now that made sense too. EDI knew what I would find in there, and it had been mean of me to think her so evil as to want me hurt. Who could blame me, my distrust for AI constructs ran deep. However, I was certain that she was enjoying my despair right now. Probably even slowing down the elevator on purpose!

Startled by the sudden ring of the blasted thing finally arriving at my floor, it took me a moment before I would actually walk inside. Once I was in, though, relief immediately washed all over my body. I felt safe at last, even if it was just in my mind, so I took the time to replay Shepard's words in my head. Already I was planning at least two ways in which I could improve the look of my hips by rearranging the ornamental decorations of my suit. Some way or another, I was getting Shepard to say those words to my face. I could feel my cheeks tense as a huge grin easily came to my lips. All this time, and I had never realized she wanted the same thing I did. However, now I knew, and I could practically scream with joy. Of course that would bring unwanted attention toward me, so for the time being I had to keep it together.

When I stepped out of the elevator a moment later, I crashed headfirst into Garrus' chest. I was too happy to pay much attention to that, though. So, I just cheerfully greeted him and continued on my merry way to the crew's quarters. For some reason, he had looked at me like my helmet had suddenly disappeared. Silly Garrus.


End file.
